"Are you cute? passionate? a lover? or are you just sexy?"

That so describes love...it is the deepest and best feeling a person can ever have. I thought I had it...I know I had it. I know I have it. I may not be sexy, but I know I'm cute and passionate, and a lover, and even compassionate. I can love, I can be loved. I have loved with all my heart. Why are people so blind that they can't see something like that? Can't they see it hurts the person that they said they loved most?


An island of joy for me to settle and be rested
Why can't I find such a place for my broken heart?
To sit and love and be loved back
An honest love that can never die, never break
A love that will hold no matter what the problems
With someone to hold me when I feel down
Someone to hold me when I just need company
Someone to hold when they feel down
Someone to hold when they just need company
An island of joy, joy on an island
An island like Hawai'i
Tropical, magical
Full of love
My love
And a love for the people who love me
And for the one who loves me
I will wait, into eternity
But I will always be there
To love, and to support
Until I die


I long for the day I can finally just be with him again. I will wait. And I will love him. As best I know how.

It hurts so badly...

8

Eight days ago I thought my life was complete
Today life feels desolate and utterly broken
Eight days from now life will still feel desolate and utterly broken
Eight weeks from now life will be a catastrophe
Eight months from now, life holds a mystery
Eight is not a magic number
It's the number of days I have felt truly alone
It's the number of hours I spend each night sobbing, crying myself to sleep
And it will not remain eight hours or eight days or eight months
It will grow
Grow until it can not grow anymore
Eight days ago I thought my life was complete
Eight minutes ago I wanted my oh so incomplete life to end...

"Just screw Keely(figuratively) and find a new girl..."

Steve found out today that Bob broke up with me last Wednesday...only because Randi left us in the choir room and I just started bawling because I couldn't stop thinking about him[Bob]. It doesn't surprise me that he made no response. After asking me if there was anything he could do and then asking me what was wrong...I didn't expect much from him and I don't...I won't, ever. After all, it's his quote that titles my entry today. At least that's what Bob said that Steve said. I don't want to accuse but...Bob usually doesn't lie to me. Except to say that he loved me. Talk about an oucher. Yeah, that bites. I'd laugh if he came out of the closet or something weird like that. I don't know. It wouldn't hurt that much. Because that would be his loss, not mine. Even if I do love him so much that it hurts...

Rocky shores
Bumpy ridges
Grizzly bears
Uneven ground
Lovely Ukuleles
Luckless love
Starry luck

Random words you say? Random words are fun...or just mind boggling. What are they to you? To me they are poetry, and when they come together to form poems, it's even better. To make music is beautiful, to make harmony is divine. Divinity is not meant for men, but to find love is. What is love? Love is precious and wonderful and beautiful...love can last forever if you treat it right. Didn't I treat you right? DIDN'T I FUCKING TREAT YOU RIGHT?!?!?! Why does it hurt so much? People say it hurts so much because it's new and it's the first one and it was for so long. Why do people assume that it can't be love? To assume is to make an ASS of U and ME. Although I assumed that Bob and I would stay together forever...so I guess I made an ass of you and me too...rather I made an ass out of me and me so...Will he never take me back. After we broke up the first time he still treated me like I was okay...like he was okay with me hanging around. Now it almost feels like he detests me being there. He makes me feel like I'm nothing. "When I'm around you I feel like I'm nothing!!" the famous words of Pacey on Dawson's Creek(Wednesday night, May 2, 2001, 9pm). When I was around Bob I always felt small and insignificant. He's so smart and intelligent(redundant) and witty and funny--in his own way--and just so wonderful. He's caring and charismatic and just beautiful. I love him. And I wish he still loved me.

Why is my head swimming...

Ben's a jerk...Felicity, I understand just how you're feeling. I can't believe I'm watching this show...I hate this show. I'm watching Felicity. Everyone's about break-ups...everything is about break-ups...WHY?!?!?!?! I hate being single. It was really scary, Steve, my youth pastor was going over his study this evening and he was talking about relationships and where God wants them to go. If you're not in the right place then you become a liar, a deceiver and afraid of God. Great, now all the couples are together and everything is okay...well I can truly say that my life is not a TV drama. But back to God. Maybe it was just me or something else. I don't know if I can see it right. Maybe I'm just rationalizing the hurt. When I was with Bob I thought I was in the right place. After we went too far, everything started falling apart. Maybe that's where God started getting my attention. I strayed from Him and He punished those closest to me: Bob. But Satan apparently rewarded me big time. I thought I felt as secure as I could ever be. But now I feel less secure than I ever thought I could be. I didn't want it to end but maybe this is God telling me to wait and get back on track then try to rekindle it. I'm trying. God I know you know I'm trying. Help me, guide me, my faith is in You. Be with those I love most...You know who they are...