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May. 3rd, 2001
Why does it feel different?
May. 3rd, 2001 11:03 pmI just got off the phone with Bob...it left me with a different feeling than I have ever experienced before. I can't explain it but I'll try...
In the late hours of evening
A shooting star will light up the sky
You like its radiance and beauty
But you can't explain why
The way it lights the heavens
And the moon and stars above
The way its fiery dance of joy
Makes such awesome designs against the black
You don't know why its there or just how it came to be
You just know it's there
And you try to describe it to someone
But somehow you just can't manage
Yet that someone understands you
And somehow you get your point across
You both understand that its beautiful
But in time it will disappear
But one day it may come back
Bright and shining
As beautiful as before
It just takes time
And eventually
You will understand why the shooting star
Shoots across the heavens for all to see
Its beauty and life, in the darkness of night
As we grow in life we come to understand certain things. At first we may not understand why or how it came to be or what will happen next. But we must learn to accept it and learn from it. I'm learning as I speak, er type. People allow so much to block their optimistic view of life. I allowed it for a long time. But always when someone focuses too much on one aspect of their life they are called selfish.
Today I stop. Because, if a person is not selfish some of the time, they start taking things for granted. Now there is a line where it stops from taking things for granted purposefully, or just doing it to be a snot. I went too far I think...so do many other people. But I have come to realize that I must take the good with the bad; it only helps us grow, even if it does hurt once in a while. But that doesn't mean that I should go around doing bad stuff to people saying "Oh, you gotta take the bad with the good." That just sucks...I gotta stop doing that. People say that you don't ever really realize how important something is until you've lost it.
You also don't realize that taking something for granted...if you take something for granted then...oh I can't remember what it was but Bob liked it. In fact, he said it. And I somehow managed to tell him about this...my daily routine of sitting at the computer umpteen dozen times a day writing in my journal...typing in my journal? I can't explain what happened. But I'm no longer mad at him, or myself. Things happen, people change and they grow. They realize that in the long run...they have to give in order to receive...they have to give and give and give some more until they finally realize that in the end things will always turn out for the best. I may hope that Bob and I can live together the rest of our lives but that's what scares people away. Thinking that something will last forever just creates a bigger void there...hence Bob and I. The idea of forever is scary...but somehow we saw it as okay and felt secure. I'll tell ya, the only way that teenagers in high school can think of forever and not get messed up is if they already have a successful job and a way to support themselves for the rest of their lives. No one can ever think that far ahead.
I will always love Bob with all my heart but never again in the way that I first loved him. That way didn't quite win him over did it? But no matter what, I will always be there for him though he doesn't seem to like that idea. It's the whole always thing. Oh well. I know that I want to be with him and yes it's a scary thought to think of together forever. But it's a warm fuzzy right now...it used to just be a security blanket that I could hide my head under.
I don't know what the future holds and I will never know. I just know that I want Bob to remain a good friend of mine. Right now he's my best friend. Later on he may be my good friend. He doesn't consider me his best friend, which hurts because I feel we have a different relationship than he does. Isn't that always the way it is with guys...? I don't know what to do anymore. I just know that I'm gonna stand on my two feet and just do something. I'm done with trying. I'm gonna do. I may fail and I may succeed. Maybe that's what we'll need to jump-start the relationship: our own independence. At first we had nothing to bring to the relationship. Eventually we may have the love, experience and energy that we'll need to keep up a good, fun, loving relationship full of the joy and happiness we used to have before we fell into the daily routine of taking each other for granted. Well that stops here.
I'm done taking people for granted. I'm not saying that I promise that I'm going to stop because I don't know if I will or not. I'm going to stop. And I'm going to love Bob for as long as he'll let me.
Be it as you may
Or be it as I say
We will last a lifetime
If you pave the way
Somewhere down that road I face a lifetime of decisions
But somewhere down the road we shared a barrel of sweet visions
Love can never die
No matter what the pain inside
It carries you from place to place
Hoping joy may one day see your face
I wanna be your friend
Until the very end
But please don't try to hide
Until you see the truth inside
DOn't run from the darkness
Cover yourself with joy love and happiness
And remember that one thing I'll always say
I'll be here for you each and everyday
I mean what I say. No matter what happens. My friends are all very special to me and they each hold important parts of my life. Bob, you helped me understand myself better and in doing so became my best friend and wonderful in every way. Trisha, you're awesome, you listen you know what to say and how to make me laugh at all of Mitchell's stupid antics, or your bubbly personality when thinking about a date with Mario(nudge nudge wink wink...*psst...do it again*). Nat, you're a great friend and listener and I don't know what I would've done without you in Yearbook when I needed someone to vent to. The girls...what can I say, you're the girls, you're my groupies, my homies...I wish you all could see this. Anthony...you care and share...you know almost every emotion I've felt and beyond; you opened this fantastic world of words where one word is never bad. All the people who've listened to me gripe and complain about everything that goes on in my life. Steve, you may have said something that makes you sound like a jerk but I know you meant it for good; just make sure it doesn't get back to me so I don't hate you for so long next time.
God, I love You so much and you've carried me through this whole ordeal. I thank You for being there for me always and promising to bless me when I walk in Your ways. I hope to walk in Your ways more often than not and I hope You can create a stronger influence of Yourself in the hearts of all my friends. Love and peace to all those who love me and I love you all!!
In the late hours of evening
A shooting star will light up the sky
You like its radiance and beauty
But you can't explain why
The way it lights the heavens
And the moon and stars above
The way its fiery dance of joy
Makes such awesome designs against the black
You don't know why its there or just how it came to be
You just know it's there
And you try to describe it to someone
But somehow you just can't manage
Yet that someone understands you
And somehow you get your point across
You both understand that its beautiful
But in time it will disappear
But one day it may come back
Bright and shining
As beautiful as before
It just takes time
And eventually
You will understand why the shooting star
Shoots across the heavens for all to see
Its beauty and life, in the darkness of night
As we grow in life we come to understand certain things. At first we may not understand why or how it came to be or what will happen next. But we must learn to accept it and learn from it. I'm learning as I speak, er type. People allow so much to block their optimistic view of life. I allowed it for a long time. But always when someone focuses too much on one aspect of their life they are called selfish.
Today I stop. Because, if a person is not selfish some of the time, they start taking things for granted. Now there is a line where it stops from taking things for granted purposefully, or just doing it to be a snot. I went too far I think...so do many other people. But I have come to realize that I must take the good with the bad; it only helps us grow, even if it does hurt once in a while. But that doesn't mean that I should go around doing bad stuff to people saying "Oh, you gotta take the bad with the good." That just sucks...I gotta stop doing that. People say that you don't ever really realize how important something is until you've lost it.
You also don't realize that taking something for granted...if you take something for granted then...oh I can't remember what it was but Bob liked it. In fact, he said it. And I somehow managed to tell him about this...my daily routine of sitting at the computer umpteen dozen times a day writing in my journal...typing in my journal? I can't explain what happened. But I'm no longer mad at him, or myself. Things happen, people change and they grow. They realize that in the long run...they have to give in order to receive...they have to give and give and give some more until they finally realize that in the end things will always turn out for the best. I may hope that Bob and I can live together the rest of our lives but that's what scares people away. Thinking that something will last forever just creates a bigger void there...hence Bob and I. The idea of forever is scary...but somehow we saw it as okay and felt secure. I'll tell ya, the only way that teenagers in high school can think of forever and not get messed up is if they already have a successful job and a way to support themselves for the rest of their lives. No one can ever think that far ahead.
I will always love Bob with all my heart but never again in the way that I first loved him. That way didn't quite win him over did it? But no matter what, I will always be there for him though he doesn't seem to like that idea. It's the whole always thing. Oh well. I know that I want to be with him and yes it's a scary thought to think of together forever. But it's a warm fuzzy right now...it used to just be a security blanket that I could hide my head under.
I don't know what the future holds and I will never know. I just know that I want Bob to remain a good friend of mine. Right now he's my best friend. Later on he may be my good friend. He doesn't consider me his best friend, which hurts because I feel we have a different relationship than he does. Isn't that always the way it is with guys...? I don't know what to do anymore. I just know that I'm gonna stand on my two feet and just do something. I'm done with trying. I'm gonna do. I may fail and I may succeed. Maybe that's what we'll need to jump-start the relationship: our own independence. At first we had nothing to bring to the relationship. Eventually we may have the love, experience and energy that we'll need to keep up a good, fun, loving relationship full of the joy and happiness we used to have before we fell into the daily routine of taking each other for granted. Well that stops here.
I'm done taking people for granted. I'm not saying that I promise that I'm going to stop because I don't know if I will or not. I'm going to stop. And I'm going to love Bob for as long as he'll let me.
Be it as you may
Or be it as I say
We will last a lifetime
If you pave the way
Somewhere down that road I face a lifetime of decisions
But somewhere down the road we shared a barrel of sweet visions
Love can never die
No matter what the pain inside
It carries you from place to place
Hoping joy may one day see your face
I wanna be your friend
Until the very end
But please don't try to hide
Until you see the truth inside
DOn't run from the darkness
Cover yourself with joy love and happiness
And remember that one thing I'll always say
I'll be here for you each and everyday
I mean what I say. No matter what happens. My friends are all very special to me and they each hold important parts of my life. Bob, you helped me understand myself better and in doing so became my best friend and wonderful in every way. Trisha, you're awesome, you listen you know what to say and how to make me laugh at all of Mitchell's stupid antics, or your bubbly personality when thinking about a date with Mario(nudge nudge wink wink...*psst...do it again*). Nat, you're a great friend and listener and I don't know what I would've done without you in Yearbook when I needed someone to vent to. The girls...what can I say, you're the girls, you're my groupies, my homies...I wish you all could see this. Anthony...you care and share...you know almost every emotion I've felt and beyond; you opened this fantastic world of words where one word is never bad. All the people who've listened to me gripe and complain about everything that goes on in my life. Steve, you may have said something that makes you sound like a jerk but I know you meant it for good; just make sure it doesn't get back to me so I don't hate you for so long next time.
God, I love You so much and you've carried me through this whole ordeal. I thank You for being there for me always and promising to bless me when I walk in Your ways. I hope to walk in Your ways more often than not and I hope You can create a stronger influence of Yourself in the hearts of all my friends. Love and peace to all those who love me and I love you all!!
