The Mystery of Me

I'm listening to Michael Bolton singing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Yay for Christmas music! With that in mind, I've got to think of Christmas presents for an entirely different culture and group of people this year...it's so weird. It's even weirder to imagine the fact that I'm not going to be spending this holiday season with my family... It's depressing to know that I won't get to see any of my friends...or technically even celebrate the holiday on the same day as everyone else, seeing that I am currently in a time zone that is 19 hours ahead of the majority of people I care about. And, oddly enough, a large majority of my LJ friends are on the US east coast, which I am still 16 hours ahead of. Christmas is a winter holiday in my head, and it's just screwing with me that it'll be a stifling hot summer for me this Christmas. I listened to Christmas music all day today, the first time this season that I've done it. Songs like Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow and I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas seem so...far far away...

Is it odd that this post started off on a somewhat positive note and now it's slipped into a slightly more depressed feeling...? No, I suppose not...not when you take into consideration the content of said post.

My parents have always made Christmas a big deal. We're that family that had a beautiful tree, a tree underneath which sat a huge load of presents... Christmas was the time for my parents to spoil us big time, and they did... I'm not complaining, but the family I've married into isn't the same. They're the one present per person type, and it makes me feel just a tad uncomfortable that my expectations of Christmas are so much different from theirs. And I knew all of this before I met John in person, I knew all of it before I made the decision to move to Australia, I knew all of it before I married the man...but it's only just hitting me now. And it shouldn't be making such an issue in my head, but for some reason it is.

And then the gifts. I have to think through a different season of gifting. Christmas gifts were winter clothes and winter gifts back home. Here, it's summer things...focus on fishing things, boat necessities, life jackets? Swim suits...suntan lotion...new barbeque utensils?

I have a question for anyone who still happens to read my LJ...if someone were to knit you anything, a blanket, a Harry Potter scarf (or any other fandom scar, or a normal scarf), a sweater, socks, a vest, a pair of mittens...slippers, or a purse...what kinds of things would you want?

Maybe it's a loss of the friends and family for the holiday season that's getting me so down. I used to dislike this holiday season because it reminded me of my ex...and how he decided to so horribly dump me over the phone on December 7th oh so many years ago. But John's helped me get over that...and I've done okay the past couple of years with him telling me that things will get better...but instead of dislike, I feel...melancholy? Not sure what to do with it...

As for NaNo...yeah...that didn't go over so well...I was fine the first few days and then, well...lost it. If I'm going to write something I need to plan for it...and pick something that I actually enjoy writing, not something that I suddenly come up with that I think might be a good idea...or not. Writing was never my strong point...

I've also been thinking about changing my layout. I've had the same background of the Marauders from Harry Potter, the same font...I never cared before but suddenly I have the urge to change it. Only thing is, I've no talent with the graphics stuffs and no idea what to change it to... Meh.

And then I hate myself for feeling like this...but is it bad that sometimes I feel like a big fat loser because I don't think enough people are reading my Facebook statuses...or my LJ posts...? It's not bad...it's ridiculous. LJ is a place for me to post my feelings, regardless of whether people read them or not. I don't use Facebook as a networking web, I use it to keep up with friends, and hope that they keep up with me...but sometimes it's just ridiculous that I don't feel like anyone's reading them... Is it loneliness...?

5091!! It's day 8 of November, and suggested word count at this point is over 13k, but I'm rather proud of my 5091. It's funny really. I remember thinking this morning at work that I would never be able to write more than 1000 words in one day because I never really get inspired. I guess it's because I never really research the project I'm writing on and so instant inspiration on random topics is more difficult to write about because...it just is? But over half of that 5091 was written this evening, in the last four hours, so I'm extremely proud of myself for that. Will it happen again in the near future? Probably not, but it's given me hope that maybe if I actually plan to write something and plot it and all that other fun stuff, maybe I just might finish the novel that I planned to finish before I die, not that anyone will ever see it. =P

Yay for silly personal goals.