The Mystery of Me

So. I'm a worrier. I do it all the time even without realising it. I worry about everything. I worry that my kittens are going to electrocute themselves by chewing through wires. I worry that I'll do something to upset John. I worry that my dad's cancer will get severely worse and he'll die before I can get home to see him. I worry that I'll miss all the things in my familys's lives because I've moved away to Australia. I worry that I won't be able to get pregnant and that I won't be able to give John the children that he's always known he's wanted. I worry that those children--if borne--will have problems. The most recent problem being that I--their mother--have aboslutely no ambition in life whatsoever. Absolutely none. Ask me what I want to do with my life. No really. Ask me. Because I have no freaking clue. I have no desire to have a clue. When I was eight, I apparently wanted to be a dentist because they make lots of money and I wanted to be able to take care of my parents. EIGHT. And seriously? What eight year old wants to be a dentist?? But since then, I've lost my way and haven't found anything that I feel is what I want to do with my life. I love music, but don't want to go into any part of the business. A pianist, a singer, a songwriter, a producer, a lyricist, a budding guitarist? Nope. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zippo. Zero. I am a zero.

But obviously, I want to do something? Otherwise I wouldn't be worried about it, right? I thought I needed ideas...possibilities for a future that I will never have because I don't have the ambition to do anything. I've looked at tons of options.

Teacher. What would I teach? Muic. I coud teach music. But I need an education to teach and I don't have the patience or the desire to get one. End argument for teaching. And most other options...doctor (and then with the needles eeeeeeeeeeewwwwww), dentist, lawyer (who the hell really wants to be a lawyer??), etc.

Teaching that doesn't require a degree. Could teach the local children piano, give piano lessons! But...I don't have a keyboard. Or a piano. Oh how I wish I had a piano... Could teach community members to knit. Or crochet, though I'm much better at knitting... Teach origami? Kirigami?? Teach typing. HA. Arranging furniture, sans fs. Teach people how to set the timer on their VCRs?? Oh wait...no more VCRs... How to set up a printer?? Oi vay... I could give spanish leessons!! What? There aren't any mexicans in Australia? Well bugger that then...

Ahhh but Australia works on a vocational program where schooling isn't a necessity for many many jobs.

Restaurant work? No. Been there. Done that. Would only want to do it if I were an owner...and didn't really have to work all that much.

Labourer, also known as a tradesman or tradie in the aussie slang. Don't want to be an electrician. Don't want to be a plumber. Don't want to be a brick layer. Don't want to be a construction worker. Don't want to be a wood worker. Don't want to be a heavy machinery operator. Don't want to be a roadworker. Don't want to be the unlucky bastard who picks all the dead roos up on the roads every day. Don't want to be a mechanic. Don't want to be a baker. Don't want to be a chef. Don't want to be a pastry chef.

Dairy farming? Farming in general. Don't want to be a farmhand. Don't want to be an animal caretaker. Don't want to milk cows. I do want to collect eggs but not on a largescale level. I'd like to collect two a day maybe...from my own chickens...to make wonderful omelets and yummy things that eggs can make. Don't want to shear sheep. Don't want to shear llamas. Don't want to raise emus (fuckin' evil scary birds). Want to have horses but not for any special reason but to ride them...

Animals? Vet requires schooling and then with needles bleeeeeeeeeeh. Vet assistant. Again with the needles...and a bit of schooling. Perhaps a cattery? Or a kennel? I could do that, but that requires start-up funds and most of them actually raise purebred animals for contests and stuff which I really don't feel like doing... though not a requirement. Hrm...what do I need to do to get that started then...???

But really, there are so many options out there and I have little to no desire to do what it takes to do any of them.

And I'm afraid that trait will travel down to my children. What then?

Like the subject says...stupid and ridiculous things to think about, but I do. Too much time on my hands? Maybe...