![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
"Am I good enough...?"
Apr. 4th, 2009 12:37 amRelationships. Everyone's talking about relationships. Who's with who, who's not with who, who's getting engaged, who's getting married, who's having kids... And, amazingly enough, I've been dropped into this odd form of conversation. It seems like it's all happened so fast.
My parents are talking about John and I getting married already. Sure, we've known each other for about two years, but we only just met face to face beginning of March. And it's not like we were using webcams before meeting. Only pics. But we definitely connected, thus the promise ring he bought for me.
Should I be scared? I kind of am. Marriage?
He makes me happy. I've never been so sure of any one person before, but...I trust him. He makes me feel secure, and safe...and so much better than I've ever felt before...
But I'm insecure. I'm untrusting. It's my nature. Am I using it as an excuse to keep him at a distance? The actual physical distance makes it so much more difficult, but...emotionally? He understands me so much more than anyone else has seemed to. He's...perceptive, and scarily so. He can read me like a book and he can't even see my face or read my body language. In two weeks he was more in tune with me than I feel like I'm in tune with myself. And the even scarier part of it all is that I can't seem to find a similar connection with him. I can't read him... He always tries to reassure me...tell me that no one has ever been able to read him. But...shouldn't I be able to? Or is it something that will come with more time spent together?
I'm planning a trip out there in August. A two week trip, half of which he'll be working. It's supposed to give us a better idea of how life will be when at least one of us is working instead of having the joys of vacation life together. At least, that's what my dad says we should do. And it's a good idea...
After that, we start preparations to move me out there... Is three months even worth it, or should we go with six? Six is a little much to impose upon his family though... Everyone agrees (my parents added in there with that "everyone", amazingly enough) that we should stay with his parents until we get ourselves situated in our own living space... It makes me a tad nervous, because I keep getting that negative mental image of the grown man with his girlfriend mooching off his or her parents for...forever... O_o We wouldn't be, of course, because he would still be working and I, hopefully, will have found at least a temporary job. It's simply the matter of finding a house...or an apartment.
Am I even ready? Am I over-analysing? Am I overthinking things? Have I given my heart too much control? Have I not given it enough control?
I'm an insecure mess. I told John this much. But for some reason...he still wants me. Do I deserve someone who's so determined to show me there's nothing to feel insecure about? Someone who seems to genuinely want me to be happy, to be the person to make me that happy? He says I make him just as happy...so much more than he's ever been before... I believe it when he says it, but if I can't be there for him, if I can't tell when he's feeling down or if he's not feeling well...what does that say about me? Does it mean we're not as compatible as we hope we are? Does it even mean anything at all...? I know there's someone better out there for him...he keeps telling me there's not...
He's secure in his life at this moment in time. He enjoys his job though he doesn't so much like the guys he has to work with, he's stable financially, he manages to have a small bit of life outside of his busy work schedule... Even if it's mostly fishing on his days off, he still does things with people...
I'm NOT secure at all. I hate my job but I love my employees, I'm so not stable financially, I have no life... What the FUCK does he see in me...? I'm a 26-year-old nothing...going nowhere...
( But wait...there's more... )
My parents are talking about John and I getting married already. Sure, we've known each other for about two years, but we only just met face to face beginning of March. And it's not like we were using webcams before meeting. Only pics. But we definitely connected, thus the promise ring he bought for me.
Should I be scared? I kind of am. Marriage?
He makes me happy. I've never been so sure of any one person before, but...I trust him. He makes me feel secure, and safe...and so much better than I've ever felt before...
But I'm insecure. I'm untrusting. It's my nature. Am I using it as an excuse to keep him at a distance? The actual physical distance makes it so much more difficult, but...emotionally? He understands me so much more than anyone else has seemed to. He's...perceptive, and scarily so. He can read me like a book and he can't even see my face or read my body language. In two weeks he was more in tune with me than I feel like I'm in tune with myself. And the even scarier part of it all is that I can't seem to find a similar connection with him. I can't read him... He always tries to reassure me...tell me that no one has ever been able to read him. But...shouldn't I be able to? Or is it something that will come with more time spent together?
I'm planning a trip out there in August. A two week trip, half of which he'll be working. It's supposed to give us a better idea of how life will be when at least one of us is working instead of having the joys of vacation life together. At least, that's what my dad says we should do. And it's a good idea...
After that, we start preparations to move me out there... Is three months even worth it, or should we go with six? Six is a little much to impose upon his family though... Everyone agrees (my parents added in there with that "everyone", amazingly enough) that we should stay with his parents until we get ourselves situated in our own living space... It makes me a tad nervous, because I keep getting that negative mental image of the grown man with his girlfriend mooching off his or her parents for...forever... O_o We wouldn't be, of course, because he would still be working and I, hopefully, will have found at least a temporary job. It's simply the matter of finding a house...or an apartment.
Am I even ready? Am I over-analysing? Am I overthinking things? Have I given my heart too much control? Have I not given it enough control?
I'm an insecure mess. I told John this much. But for some reason...he still wants me. Do I deserve someone who's so determined to show me there's nothing to feel insecure about? Someone who seems to genuinely want me to be happy, to be the person to make me that happy? He says I make him just as happy...so much more than he's ever been before... I believe it when he says it, but if I can't be there for him, if I can't tell when he's feeling down or if he's not feeling well...what does that say about me? Does it mean we're not as compatible as we hope we are? Does it even mean anything at all...? I know there's someone better out there for him...he keeps telling me there's not...
He's secure in his life at this moment in time. He enjoys his job though he doesn't so much like the guys he has to work with, he's stable financially, he manages to have a small bit of life outside of his busy work schedule... Even if it's mostly fishing on his days off, he still does things with people...
I'm NOT secure at all. I hate my job but I love my employees, I'm so not stable financially, I have no life... What the FUCK does he see in me...? I'm a 26-year-old nothing...going nowhere...
( But wait...there's more... )
