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Relationships. Everyone's talking about relationships. Who's with who, who's not with who, who's getting engaged, who's getting married, who's having kids... And, amazingly enough, I've been dropped into this odd form of conversation. It seems like it's all happened so fast.
My parents are talking about John and I getting married already. Sure, we've known each other for about two years, but we only just met face to face beginning of March. And it's not like we were using webcams before meeting. Only pics. But we definitely connected, thus the promise ring he bought for me.
Should I be scared? I kind of am. Marriage?
He makes me happy. I've never been so sure of any one person before, but...I trust him. He makes me feel secure, and safe...and so much better than I've ever felt before...
But I'm insecure. I'm untrusting. It's my nature. Am I using it as an excuse to keep him at a distance? The actual physical distance makes it so much more difficult, but...emotionally? He understands me so much more than anyone else has seemed to. He's...perceptive, and scarily so. He can read me like a book and he can't even see my face or read my body language. In two weeks he was more in tune with me than I feel like I'm in tune with myself. And the even scarier part of it all is that I can't seem to find a similar connection with him. I can't read him... He always tries to reassure me...tell me that no one has ever been able to read him. But...shouldn't I be able to? Or is it something that will come with more time spent together?
I'm planning a trip out there in August. A two week trip, half of which he'll be working. It's supposed to give us a better idea of how life will be when at least one of us is working instead of having the joys of vacation life together. At least, that's what my dad says we should do. And it's a good idea...
After that, we start preparations to move me out there... Is three months even worth it, or should we go with six? Six is a little much to impose upon his family though... Everyone agrees (my parents added in there with that "everyone", amazingly enough) that we should stay with his parents until we get ourselves situated in our own living space... It makes me a tad nervous, because I keep getting that negative mental image of the grown man with his girlfriend mooching off his or her parents for...forever... O_o We wouldn't be, of course, because he would still be working and I, hopefully, will have found at least a temporary job. It's simply the matter of finding a house...or an apartment.
Am I even ready? Am I over-analysing? Am I overthinking things? Have I given my heart too much control? Have I not given it enough control?
I'm an insecure mess. I told John this much. But for some reason...he still wants me. Do I deserve someone who's so determined to show me there's nothing to feel insecure about? Someone who seems to genuinely want me to be happy, to be the person to make me that happy? He says I make him just as happy...so much more than he's ever been before... I believe it when he says it, but if I can't be there for him, if I can't tell when he's feeling down or if he's not feeling well...what does that say about me? Does it mean we're not as compatible as we hope we are? Does it even mean anything at all...? I know there's someone better out there for him...he keeps telling me there's not...
He's secure in his life at this moment in time. He enjoys his job though he doesn't so much like the guys he has to work with, he's stable financially, he manages to have a small bit of life outside of his busy work schedule... Even if it's mostly fishing on his days off, he still does things with people...
I'm NOT secure at all. I hate my job but I love my employees, I'm so not stable financially, I have no life... What the FUCK does he see in me...? I'm a 26-year-old nothing...going nowhere...
Do I have any reason to be so worried about Christiana? He met both of us on-line...in the same game. He's known her for longer, almost 9 years...and they click, so much better than he and I do... He says they're just friends. Of course, I believe him, and I truly do, no matter how negative and untrusting and insecure I am, I do believe him. He came out to visit me, but we met up with her and her friend Rochelle for a few days in San Diego. He seemed so happy to see her, which I can understand I mean they've known each other for nine years and had never met... But...it made me feel less than what he says I am when she was there... They just...flowed. They found it so easy to talk to each other, to find things to talk about. Anyone who knows me knows that words don't come easy to me. It's taken me an hour to get this much typed out... I'm not a conversationalist. I don't open up about myself. When it was the four of us, he hugged her more than he touched me...didn't even hold my hand. I don't even think he put a hand on my shoulder once during the two days we saw her... He says I have nothing to worry about, that I he doesn't see her that way and that I'm the only one. But...she loves him. I know she does. He even said she does. After he went home our Facebook statuses changed to "In a relationship". Apparently she had a fit about it, so he changed his to "single" to make her happy. It's just Facebook and it doesn't really mean anything...is it wrong that it bothers me? He did it to make her happy... I think that's what bothers me... I'm planning a trip to see him in August. She's planning one in November. His birthday is in November... I would've gone in November, but I didn't want to wait that long to see him...to wait three extra months? He says that she understands that he "wants to explore what [we] have". But...to me there's something in that phrase that implies that he's not expecting something to work... To a 21-year-old, who's known him since she was 12, who loves him is she hoping that there won't be anything between him and I? That she might still have a chance? Does it matter? The only thing I know is that she IS better for him. She's not insecure and she won't plague him with all the worries and complexity that is my brain. They're closer in age and...they just get along better... They talk together easier and they click better...
He said once that he wished we wouldn't make him choose. I told him that she was forcing him to choose...that I was giving him the option of choosing, but that he didn't have to make one... Is there a difference? I don't really want to lose him, but if she can make him happier in the end...isn't that all that matters...?
Someone kill me please...? Or rip out my heart...and my brain...so that I can't fool anyone else who is unfortunate enough to meet me...
My parents are talking about John and I getting married already. Sure, we've known each other for about two years, but we only just met face to face beginning of March. And it's not like we were using webcams before meeting. Only pics. But we definitely connected, thus the promise ring he bought for me.
Should I be scared? I kind of am. Marriage?
He makes me happy. I've never been so sure of any one person before, but...I trust him. He makes me feel secure, and safe...and so much better than I've ever felt before...
But I'm insecure. I'm untrusting. It's my nature. Am I using it as an excuse to keep him at a distance? The actual physical distance makes it so much more difficult, but...emotionally? He understands me so much more than anyone else has seemed to. He's...perceptive, and scarily so. He can read me like a book and he can't even see my face or read my body language. In two weeks he was more in tune with me than I feel like I'm in tune with myself. And the even scarier part of it all is that I can't seem to find a similar connection with him. I can't read him... He always tries to reassure me...tell me that no one has ever been able to read him. But...shouldn't I be able to? Or is it something that will come with more time spent together?
I'm planning a trip out there in August. A two week trip, half of which he'll be working. It's supposed to give us a better idea of how life will be when at least one of us is working instead of having the joys of vacation life together. At least, that's what my dad says we should do. And it's a good idea...
After that, we start preparations to move me out there... Is three months even worth it, or should we go with six? Six is a little much to impose upon his family though... Everyone agrees (my parents added in there with that "everyone", amazingly enough) that we should stay with his parents until we get ourselves situated in our own living space... It makes me a tad nervous, because I keep getting that negative mental image of the grown man with his girlfriend mooching off his or her parents for...forever... O_o We wouldn't be, of course, because he would still be working and I, hopefully, will have found at least a temporary job. It's simply the matter of finding a house...or an apartment.
Am I even ready? Am I over-analysing? Am I overthinking things? Have I given my heart too much control? Have I not given it enough control?
I'm an insecure mess. I told John this much. But for some reason...he still wants me. Do I deserve someone who's so determined to show me there's nothing to feel insecure about? Someone who seems to genuinely want me to be happy, to be the person to make me that happy? He says I make him just as happy...so much more than he's ever been before... I believe it when he says it, but if I can't be there for him, if I can't tell when he's feeling down or if he's not feeling well...what does that say about me? Does it mean we're not as compatible as we hope we are? Does it even mean anything at all...? I know there's someone better out there for him...he keeps telling me there's not...
He's secure in his life at this moment in time. He enjoys his job though he doesn't so much like the guys he has to work with, he's stable financially, he manages to have a small bit of life outside of his busy work schedule... Even if it's mostly fishing on his days off, he still does things with people...
I'm NOT secure at all. I hate my job but I love my employees, I'm so not stable financially, I have no life... What the FUCK does he see in me...? I'm a 26-year-old nothing...going nowhere...
Do I have any reason to be so worried about Christiana? He met both of us on-line...in the same game. He's known her for longer, almost 9 years...and they click, so much better than he and I do... He says they're just friends. Of course, I believe him, and I truly do, no matter how negative and untrusting and insecure I am, I do believe him. He came out to visit me, but we met up with her and her friend Rochelle for a few days in San Diego. He seemed so happy to see her, which I can understand I mean they've known each other for nine years and had never met... But...it made me feel less than what he says I am when she was there... They just...flowed. They found it so easy to talk to each other, to find things to talk about. Anyone who knows me knows that words don't come easy to me. It's taken me an hour to get this much typed out... I'm not a conversationalist. I don't open up about myself. When it was the four of us, he hugged her more than he touched me...didn't even hold my hand. I don't even think he put a hand on my shoulder once during the two days we saw her... He says I have nothing to worry about, that I he doesn't see her that way and that I'm the only one. But...she loves him. I know she does. He even said she does. After he went home our Facebook statuses changed to "In a relationship". Apparently she had a fit about it, so he changed his to "single" to make her happy. It's just Facebook and it doesn't really mean anything...is it wrong that it bothers me? He did it to make her happy... I think that's what bothers me... I'm planning a trip to see him in August. She's planning one in November. His birthday is in November... I would've gone in November, but I didn't want to wait that long to see him...to wait three extra months? He says that she understands that he "wants to explore what [we] have". But...to me there's something in that phrase that implies that he's not expecting something to work... To a 21-year-old, who's known him since she was 12, who loves him is she hoping that there won't be anything between him and I? That she might still have a chance? Does it matter? The only thing I know is that she IS better for him. She's not insecure and she won't plague him with all the worries and complexity that is my brain. They're closer in age and...they just get along better... They talk together easier and they click better...
He said once that he wished we wouldn't make him choose. I told him that she was forcing him to choose...that I was giving him the option of choosing, but that he didn't have to make one... Is there a difference? I don't really want to lose him, but if she can make him happier in the end...isn't that all that matters...?
Someone kill me please...? Or rip out my heart...and my brain...so that I can't fool anyone else who is unfortunate enough to meet me...
