hazy_reflection: (Default)
But I'm okay with that. =)

I like that my first post of 2012 is a link. And I like the link.


The link name says 13, but it's actually 14, although I guess you could technically say it's 15... And the last one totally freaking rocks. Totally.
hazy_reflection: (Default)
So. I'm a worrier. I do it all the time even without realising it. I worry about everything. I worry that my kittens are going to electrocute themselves by chewing through wires. I worry that I'll do something to upset John. I worry that my dad's cancer will get severely worse and he'll die before I can get home to see him. I worry that I'll miss all the things in my familys's lives because I've moved away to Australia. I worry that I won't be able to get pregnant and that I won't be able to give John the children that he's always known he's wanted. I worry that those children--if borne--will have problems. The most recent problem being that I--their mother--have aboslutely no ambition in life whatsoever. Absolutely none. Ask me what I want to do with my life. No really. Ask me. Because I have no freaking clue. I have no desire to have a clue. When I was eight, I apparently wanted to be a dentist because they make lots of money and I wanted to be able to take care of my parents. EIGHT. And seriously? What eight year old wants to be a dentist?? But since then, I've lost my way and haven't found anything that I feel is what I want to do with my life. I love music, but don't want to go into any part of the business. A pianist, a singer, a songwriter, a producer, a lyricist, a budding guitarist? Nope. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zippo. Zero. I am a zero.

But obviously, I want to do something? Otherwise I wouldn't be worried about it, right? I thought I needed ideas...possibilities for a future that I will never have because I don't have the ambition to do anything. I've looked at tons of options.

Teacher. What would I teach? Muic. I coud teach music. But I need an education to teach and I don't have the patience or the desire to get one. End argument for teaching. And most other options...doctor (and then with the needles eeeeeeeeeeewwwwww), dentist, lawyer (who the hell really wants to be a lawyer??), etc.

Teaching that doesn't require a degree. Could teach the local children piano, give piano lessons! But...I don't have a keyboard. Or a piano. Oh how I wish I had a piano... Could teach community members to knit. Or crochet, though I'm much better at knitting... Teach origami? Kirigami?? Teach typing. HA. Arranging furniture, sans fs. Teach people how to set the timer on their VCRs?? Oh wait...no more VCRs... How to set up a printer?? Oi vay... I could give spanish leessons!! What? There aren't any mexicans in Australia? Well bugger that then...

Ahhh but Australia works on a vocational program where schooling isn't a necessity for many many jobs.

Restaurant work? No. Been there. Done that. Would only want to do it if I were an owner...and didn't really have to work all that much.

Labourer, also known as a tradesman or tradie in the aussie slang. Don't want to be an electrician. Don't want to be a plumber. Don't want to be a brick layer. Don't want to be a construction worker. Don't want to be a wood worker. Don't want to be a heavy machinery operator. Don't want to be a roadworker. Don't want to be the unlucky bastard who picks all the dead roos up on the roads every day. Don't want to be a mechanic. Don't want to be a baker. Don't want to be a chef. Don't want to be a pastry chef.

Dairy farming? Farming in general. Don't want to be a farmhand. Don't want to be an animal caretaker. Don't want to milk cows. I do want to collect eggs but not on a largescale level. I'd like to collect two a day maybe...from my own chickens...to make wonderful omelets and yummy things that eggs can make. Don't want to shear sheep. Don't want to shear llamas. Don't want to raise emus (fuckin' evil scary birds). Want to have horses but not for any special reason but to ride them...

Animals? Vet requires schooling and then with needles bleeeeeeeeeeh. Vet assistant. Again with the needles...and a bit of schooling. Perhaps a cattery? Or a kennel? I could do that, but that requires start-up funds and most of them actually raise purebred animals for contests and stuff which I really don't feel like doing... though not a requirement. Hrm...what do I need to do to get that started then...???

But really, there are so many options out there and I have little to no desire to do what it takes to do any of them.

And I'm afraid that trait will travel down to my children. What then?

Like the subject says...stupid and ridiculous things to think about, but I do. Too much time on my hands? Maybe...


Mar. 3rd, 2011 09:30 am
hazy_reflection: (ABF!)
He's a real life wizard teaching real life wizardry. Awesomeness.

You can actually get a degree and/or Masters degree from his school in wizardry.........
hazy_reflection: (Default)
I had the weirdest dream last night. I'm at my wedding, in my wedding dress... But it's not my wedding dress! =( Everything else is the same, I'm marrying John, the music fits, it all seems the same. Wedding at my parent's house, reception to follow... This wedding, however, includes two songs that I'm apparently supposed to be singing. And I don't know my songs at all!! So there I am, getting ready to walk down the isle, getting ready to sing my songs...and then I wake up--in my dream still--and I can't remember anything. I can't remember a wedding, or if my songs went all right, or the reception, or the wedding night (if there was one), or anything at all that happened after I started walking down the isle...

Wedding anxiety? Strange things happening man...totally weird.
hazy_reflection: (Default)
So John and I have starting exercising every day, and a lot of times we walk past animal paddocks. Usually it's goats...sheep...horsies!! Today we took a different route. This one took us along a cow paddock. It was about ten metres off the road though, so luckily we didn't get a big whiff of cow dung. And then, as we were walking along minding our own business, the cows started walking after us. So we walked faster. They started RUNNING after us. No joke. And then, one decides that even though there's a barbed wire fence in front of it, it's going to JUMP IT to try and keep following us! I'm totally serious here. The cow JUMPED across a BARBED WIRE FENCE to keep following us. It must have hurt itself because it stopped right after. But jebus it was freaky! I was chased by cows today. =(
hazy_reflection: (Default)
I...am not meant to be a bride.

There's something about being a bride and picking out colours and doing all the things a bride is supposed to do that I...really don't want to do. In addition to shopping for house appliances and everything else...

And then I just feel like a complete and utter failure because I can't seem to do anything anymore. I can't remember any of the html I learned for LJ I can't decide what kind of job I want to try for I can't stick with a workout schedule or a normal eating program.

I have a wonderful fiancee who is so completely supportive of me and willing to help me with anything I want to do but I can't decide to do anything, or when I do I just can't seem to follow through on it. I'm going to get even fatter than I already am from all my holiday gorging and then I'm not going to fit into my dress which isn't made yet and should be made sometime in May which will then be mailed across the Pacific Ocean to my when I'll finally get a fitting only to be told that I'm too big and that there's no material to make the dress big enough to fit me at which time there will be NO TIME or money to get another one in time for my wedding in August at which time I still won't have my shoes because I won't have been able to make a decision on a pair and...I'm babbling...and apparently turning into a bridezilla. The best part about it is that the wedding back in Cali is going to be almost completely prepared by my father and I'm betting that once I get there two days before the wedding I'm going to hate it and then what?! *sigh*

Why, all of a sudden, is my brain spinning slowly out of whack?

I need something to take my mind off things. I tried reading but of course that wasn't good because I started reading the first three of the Kushiel books except I left book 3 back in the states so now I'm just annoyed because I can't finish the series. And now I'm reading the Chronicles of Narnia which is great and I enjoy them but it's just depressing that I can't wrap my head around any other series except the Kushiel books or the Narnia books or the Twilight books or the Harry Potter books or the Belgariad or the other series of the same variety...

And then I'm just ticked off that John's family took me on this wonderful vacation with them back in the middle of January and there was such great fishing to be done and I'm supposed to be good at it but the entire time I really couldn't catch jack shit which wouldn't have been bad except they were hoping I would which made them feel bad which in turn just made me feel bad too so none of us really enjoyed our vacation...

Why is everyone but me excited about the wedding... And I'm excited about our house...but shopping for appliances? I'm really not excited about it...I should be, but I'm not...

I've been knitting, but that's not really taking my mind off of things as much as I'd hoped. And even if I wanted to send them to people now it's getting late in winter so they wouldn't really be needed in addition to the fact that mailing them from here costs far too much and I don't have a whole lot of money to spend right now since I'm not working. I'd offer to teach kids around town beginner's piano...if I had a piano...but I don't...and I probably won't for a while since the type I want isn't exactly cheap... *sigh* ugh. bleh. *headdesk*
hazy_reflection: (Dolphin Goddess)
It's December! Yes I realise that it's already the third day in and I'm just now posting that little announcement. For the first time in the past 7 years I look forward to the holiday season with complete happiness instead of a mix of self-loathing and insecurity. I blame that on my fiancee. So weird to say that...

We've settled on a date, which has actually become dates, plural. I'm having a winter wedding. And a summer wedding. All in one month. Ahhh the wonders of crossing the equator. Saturday August 7th will be our "official" legal wedding here in Australia with all of John's family. It's going to be extremely informal, more like a family party, which is just the way I would like my wedding to be...I think. The second will be August 13th--yes that's a Friday--and we'll be winging our way stateside for that one. That will be a little more lavish, as I will be the first of four girls to get married. My parents are more excited about it than I am I think... They sounded so disappointed when I told them that I really just wanted something small and informal. And that if I did have a somewhat more pronounced ceremony and whatnot that I really didn't want a lot of flowers and the "usual" wedding stuff. That about killed my dad I think because he used to do floral arrangements as a side hobby for a while way back when. So...with this double ceremony/reception thing John and I will get ours and my parents will get their's. It works, right? Of course, it did get to the point where I was threatening John with not having a wedding ceremony at all and just getting married at a courthouse, which I still believe that I would be completely fine with. As it is, it's going to be weird enough trying to coordinate two celebrations between now and then, all on top of the holidays, going home for three weeks then coming back for another week of vacation here, and then trying to find a job, figuring out the whole getting a new visa thing and whatnot, trying to get a loan for my own car, finalising stuff with the house, moving into the new house, furnishing the new house...there's so much to do... I'm very lucky that my parents want to pay for a lot of the wedding stuff on their end or I'd be absolutely batshit insane.

I know they say the wedding is supposed to be all about the bride, but what happens when the bride really doesn't care all that much? I mean, I was the girl who didn't even think about getting married when I was growing up. I told people I was going to be the successful single woman! I was eight at the time, but seriously...kids really kinda do know what they want sometimes. And now I'm going to attempt to plan two weddings, one of which I am on a completely different continent from. And it's not like Europe and Asia and Africa where I could quite literally walk from one continent to another if I were close enough to the border. No, there's an ocean there... And I can't have two dresses, so I need to find one that will fit with a possibly cold winter wedding but also not be too warm for a summer wedding... I'm thinking accessories FTW!!

But people, if there were ever a time when you were debating on commenting on my entry, this is that entry! I want your dreams and hopes and ideas and everything you ever thought you wanted for your dream wedding!! I'm seriously at this big huge loss here and instead of browing through millions of webpages and photos on weddings and dresses and everything else--though I have already been doing that as well--I want to know what real women who I know and talk to have to say! PLEASE!! *puppy dog eyes*
hazy_reflection: (Llama llama duck)
So I've realised that I don't update my LJ nearly enough as I should be. Funny thing is, I can't think of anything to ever update with, even though in the last five months I've moved across an ocean, learned how to fish, caught a myriad of different fish as well as two gummy sharks that were quite yummy in my tummy, contracted an annoying stomach virus that made me throw up every three weeks or so (and I still might have it), missed out on family birthdays, met a lot of Australian people, gotten engaged, missed THANKSGIVING (I am so learning how to make a turkey and pumpkin pie and cranberry sauce and baked ham and mashed potatoes and yams and creamed corn and corn on the cob and you get the picture...), and gotten more mosquito bites than I like... OH, and I've had some of the best sex I've ever experienced in my entire life...

So yeah...even though I've not taken the time to update my LJ, I've definitely experienced things that I should have updated on.

And the newest bit of news? I've stretched my shoulds even further to a website dedicated to, what else, my future husband and the life that he began Nov. 18th when he asked me to marry him. Yes...a wedding website that will encompass the entirety of my insanity at being a bridezilla. Haha...
hazy_reflection: (Squib)
In 1983 (the year you were born)

Ronald Reagan is president of the US

Sally Ride becomes the first American woman to travel in space

Marines are killed when a TNT laden suicide terrorists blows up Marine headquarters at Beirut International Airport

US Marines and Rangers invade the island of Grenada and evacuate hundreds of US citizens

The Soviets shoot down Korean Airlines flight 007

The Internet Domain Name System was invented by Paul Mockapetris

Ronald Wilson Reagan signs a bill creating Martin Luther King Day

Baltimore Orioles win the World Series

Washington Redskins win Superbowl XVII

New York Islanders win the Stanley Cup

Return of the Jedi is the top grossing film

"Every Breath You Take" by The Police spends the most time at the top of US charts

The A-Team and Webster premiere
hazy_reflection: (Ouija)
There was a meme that was going around a while ago...something about questioning me for info...

I don't remember when or where, but I really want to know what people think about me, horrible as these things might be.

So comment here (anonymously unless you don't care if I know you said it) and let me know what you think of me. Tell me what annoys you, tell me what I do that you like. If you hate my weak fanfic, let me know! If you think that my writing sucks in general, let me know! If you think that I am better off throwing myself off a bridge and surviving through the physical atrocities that will stay with me for the rest of my life, let me have it!

I will turn off all ISP logging whatever stuffs and whatnot. Blah.


hazy_reflection: (Default)

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