Thinking too much...again

I...am not meant to be a bride.

There's something about being a bride and picking out colours and doing all the things a bride is supposed to do that I...really don't want to do. In addition to shopping for house appliances and everything else...

And then I just feel like a complete and utter failure because I can't seem to do anything anymore. I can't remember any of the html I learned for LJ I can't decide what kind of job I want to try for I can't stick with a workout schedule or a normal eating program.

I have a wonderful fiancee who is so completely supportive of me and willing to help me with anything I want to do but I can't decide to do anything, or when I do I just can't seem to follow through on it. I'm going to get even fatter than I already am from all my holiday gorging and then I'm not going to fit into my dress which isn't made yet and should be made sometime in May which will then be mailed across the Pacific Ocean to my when I'll finally get a fitting only to be told that I'm too big and that there's no material to make the dress big enough to fit me at which time there will be NO TIME or money to get another one in time for my wedding in August at which time I still won't have my shoes because I won't have been able to make a decision on a pair and...I'm babbling...and apparently turning into a bridezilla. The best part about it is that the wedding back in Cali is going to be almost completely prepared by my father and I'm betting that once I get there two days before the wedding I'm going to hate it and then what?! *sigh*

Why, all of a sudden, is my brain spinning slowly out of whack?

I need something to take my mind off things. I tried reading but of course that wasn't good because I started reading the first three of the Kushiel books except I left book 3 back in the states so now I'm just annoyed because I can't finish the series. And now I'm reading the Chronicles of Narnia which is great and I enjoy them but it's just depressing that I can't wrap my head around any other series except the Kushiel books or the Narnia books or the Twilight books or the Harry Potter books or the Belgariad or the other series of the same variety...

And then I'm just ticked off that John's family took me on this wonderful vacation with them back in the middle of January and there was such great fishing to be done and I'm supposed to be good at it but the entire time I really couldn't catch jack shit which wouldn't have been bad except they were hoping I would which made them feel bad which in turn just made me feel bad too so none of us really enjoyed our vacation...

Why is everyone but me excited about the wedding... And I'm excited about our house...but shopping for appliances? I'm really not excited about it...I should be, but I'm not...

I've been knitting, but that's not really taking my mind off of things as much as I'd hoped. And even if I wanted to send them to people now it's getting late in winter so they wouldn't really be needed in addition to the fact that mailing them from here costs far too much and I don't have a whole lot of money to spend right now since I'm not working. I'd offer to teach kids around town beginner's piano...if I had a piano...but I don't...and I probably won't for a while since the type I want isn't exactly cheap... *sigh* ugh. bleh. *headdesk*