hazy_reflection: (Default)
So. I'm a worrier. I do it all the time even without realising it. I worry about everything. I worry that my kittens are going to electrocute themselves by chewing through wires. I worry that I'll do something to upset John. I worry that my dad's cancer will get severely worse and he'll die before I can get home to see him. I worry that I'll miss all the things in my familys's lives because I've moved away to Australia. I worry that I won't be able to get pregnant and that I won't be able to give John the children that he's always known he's wanted. I worry that those children--if borne--will have problems. The most recent problem being that I--their mother--have aboslutely no ambition in life whatsoever. Absolutely none. Ask me what I want to do with my life. No really. Ask me. Because I have no freaking clue. I have no desire to have a clue. When I was eight, I apparently wanted to be a dentist because they make lots of money and I wanted to be able to take care of my parents. EIGHT. And seriously? What eight year old wants to be a dentist?? But since then, I've lost my way and haven't found anything that I feel is what I want to do with my life. I love music, but don't want to go into any part of the business. A pianist, a singer, a songwriter, a producer, a lyricist, a budding guitarist? Nope. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zippo. Zero. I am a zero.

But obviously, I want to do something? Otherwise I wouldn't be worried about it, right? I thought I needed ideas...possibilities for a future that I will never have because I don't have the ambition to do anything. I've looked at tons of options.

Teacher. What would I teach? Muic. I coud teach music. But I need an education to teach and I don't have the patience or the desire to get one. End argument for teaching. And most other options...doctor (and then with the needles eeeeeeeeeeewwwwww), dentist, lawyer (who the hell really wants to be a lawyer??), etc.

Teaching that doesn't require a degree. Could teach the local children piano, give piano lessons! But...I don't have a keyboard. Or a piano. Oh how I wish I had a piano... Could teach community members to knit. Or crochet, though I'm much better at knitting... Teach origami? Kirigami?? Teach typing. HA. Arranging furniture, sans fs. Teach people how to set the timer on their VCRs?? Oh wait...no more VCRs... How to set up a printer?? Oi vay... I could give spanish leessons!! What? There aren't any mexicans in Australia? Well bugger that then...

Ahhh but Australia works on a vocational program where schooling isn't a necessity for many many jobs.

Restaurant work? No. Been there. Done that. Would only want to do it if I were an owner...and didn't really have to work all that much.

Labourer, also known as a tradesman or tradie in the aussie slang. Don't want to be an electrician. Don't want to be a plumber. Don't want to be a brick layer. Don't want to be a construction worker. Don't want to be a wood worker. Don't want to be a heavy machinery operator. Don't want to be a roadworker. Don't want to be the unlucky bastard who picks all the dead roos up on the roads every day. Don't want to be a mechanic. Don't want to be a baker. Don't want to be a chef. Don't want to be a pastry chef.

Dairy farming? Farming in general. Don't want to be a farmhand. Don't want to be an animal caretaker. Don't want to milk cows. I do want to collect eggs but not on a largescale level. I'd like to collect two a day maybe...from my own chickens...to make wonderful omelets and yummy things that eggs can make. Don't want to shear sheep. Don't want to shear llamas. Don't want to raise emus (fuckin' evil scary birds). Want to have horses but not for any special reason but to ride them...

Animals? Vet requires schooling and then with needles bleeeeeeeeeeh. Vet assistant. Again with the needles...and a bit of schooling. Perhaps a cattery? Or a kennel? I could do that, but that requires start-up funds and most of them actually raise purebred animals for contests and stuff which I really don't feel like doing... though not a requirement. Hrm...what do I need to do to get that started then...???

But really, there are so many options out there and I have little to no desire to do what it takes to do any of them.

And I'm afraid that trait will travel down to my children. What then?

Like the subject says...stupid and ridiculous things to think about, but I do. Too much time on my hands? Maybe...
hazy_reflection: (Dolphin Goddess)
Relationships. Everyone's talking about relationships. Who's with who, who's not with who, who's getting engaged, who's getting married, who's having kids... And, amazingly enough, I've been dropped into this odd form of conversation. It seems like it's all happened so fast.

My parents are talking about John and I getting married already. Sure, we've known each other for about two years, but we only just met face to face beginning of March. And it's not like we were using webcams before meeting. Only pics. But we definitely connected, thus the promise ring he bought for me.

Should I be scared? I kind of am. Marriage?

He makes me happy. I've never been so sure of any one person before, but...I trust him. He makes me feel secure, and safe...and so much better than I've ever felt before...

But I'm insecure. I'm untrusting. It's my nature. Am I using it as an excuse to keep him at a distance? The actual physical distance makes it so much more difficult, but...emotionally? He understands me so much more than anyone else has seemed to. He's...perceptive, and scarily so. He can read me like a book and he can't even see my face or read my body language. In two weeks he was more in tune with me than I feel like I'm in tune with myself. And the even scarier part of it all is that I can't seem to find a similar connection with him. I can't read him... He always tries to reassure me...tell me that no one has ever been able to read him. But...shouldn't I be able to? Or is it something that will come with more time spent together?

I'm planning a trip out there in August. A two week trip, half of which he'll be working. It's supposed to give us a better idea of how life will be when at least one of us is working instead of having the joys of vacation life together. At least, that's what my dad says we should do. And it's a good idea...

After that, we start preparations to move me out there... Is three months even worth it, or should we go with six? Six is a little much to impose upon his family though... Everyone agrees (my parents added in there with that "everyone", amazingly enough) that we should stay with his parents until we get ourselves situated in our own living space... It makes me a tad nervous, because I keep getting that negative mental image of the grown man with his girlfriend mooching off his or her parents for...forever... O_o We wouldn't be, of course, because he would still be working and I, hopefully, will have found at least a temporary job. It's simply the matter of finding a house...or an apartment.

Am I even ready? Am I over-analysing? Am I overthinking things? Have I given my heart too much control? Have I not given it enough control?

I'm an insecure mess. I told John this much. But for some reason...he still wants me. Do I deserve someone who's so determined to show me there's nothing to feel insecure about? Someone who seems to genuinely want me to be happy, to be the person to make me that happy? He says I make him just as happy...so much more than he's ever been before... I believe it when he says it, but if I can't be there for him, if I can't tell when he's feeling down or if he's not feeling well...what does that say about me? Does it mean we're not as compatible as we hope we are? Does it even mean anything at all...? I know there's someone better out there for him...he keeps telling me there's not...

He's secure in his life at this moment in time. He enjoys his job though he doesn't so much like the guys he has to work with, he's stable financially, he manages to have a small bit of life outside of his busy work schedule... Even if it's mostly fishing on his days off, he still does things with people...

I'm NOT secure at all. I hate my job but I love my employees, I'm so not stable financially, I have no life... What the FUCK does he see in me...? I'm a 26-year-old nothing...going nowhere...

But wait...there's more... )

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